Humorous Quotes About Food, Exercise, Health, and More

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”

— Paul Terry

“If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.”

— Joey Adams

“I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Worry is as useless as a handle on a snowball.”

— Mitzi Chandler

“Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.”

— Robert Quillen

“I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do… the day after.”

― Oscar Wilde

“I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is fourteen days.”

— Totie Fields

“Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster; it’s more like a cha-cha.”

— Robert Brault

“Processed foods not only extend the shelf life, but they extend the waistline as well.”

— Karen Sessions

“If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

— Dalai Lama

“People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.”

— Zig Ziglar

“I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.”

— Marsha Doble

“Sweat is fat crying.”

— Unknown

“We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.”

— Alfred E. Newman

“To worry is like rocking in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.”

— Unknown

“My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”

— Milton Berle

“At the end of every diet, the path curves back to the trough.”

— Mason Cooley

“As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.”

— Joan Gussow

“I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.”

— Fred Allen

“The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said ‘If we’re going to change $10 an hour, we can’t call it jumping up and down’.”

— Rita Rudner

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

— Thomas Edison

“What you eat in private will show up in public.”

— Unknown

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

— Winnie the Pooh

“I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”

— Dolly Parton

“I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food.”

— Unknown

“If I knew I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”

— Mickey Mantle

“I wouldn’t know how to handle serenity if somebody handed it to me on a plate.”

— Dusty Springfield

“My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.”

— Michel de Montaigne

“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.”

— Unknown

“I think I just ate my willpower.”

— Unknown

“Whatever you do, always give 100%... unless you’re donating blood.”

— Bill Murray

“Can it be a mistake that ‘STRESSED’ is ‘DESSERTS’ spelled backwards?”

— Unknown

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

 — Elbert Hubbard

“Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backwards, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility, and pushing their luck.”

— Unknown

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”

— Mae West

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.”

— Reba McEntire

“I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat. “

— Jennifer Greene Duncan

“I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops.” 

— Marie Mott

”Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”

— Redd Foxx

“High-tech tomatoes. Mysterious milk.  Supersquash. Are we supposed to eat this stuff? Or is it going to eat us?” 

— Anita Manning

“Food is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.” 

— Beth McCollister

“Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful.” 

— Denis Diderot

“I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell.”

— Alec Yuill-Thornton

“When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away.  But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later.  Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad.”

— Janette Barber

“Condensed milk is wonderful.  I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.” 

— Fred Allen

“I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.” 

— Dave Barry

“I don’t jog. If I die I want to be sick.”

— Abe Lemons

“In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains.  Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.” 

— Stephen Phillips

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

— Mae West

“Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese.”

— Luis Buñuel

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

— Joan Rivers

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